white christmas

1998 was the last year vancouver had a white christmas.  it is a beautiful site to behold when you look out at christmas morn and you see nothing but white outside.  i've always been very thankful that my parents have decided to uproot us to canada or we never would've had the chance to experience so many other aspects of life that needless to say, we never would have come across if we stayed in manila.

as i sit with a mug of hot chocolate looking out my parents window at the white scene in front of me and the silver and gold of the tree ornaments glittering in the corner of my eye, i ponder the life i would've led if we called manila home still. 

would i be married now?  on the family way?  working a secured job?  happy with my life?  would i have two dogs and two cars?  would i have the great friends i have today?  then i realize, that Christmas is not a time for pondering these things but a time to be thankful for all that i have. 

and i have so much to be thankful for.  so much more than i can even possibly think of.

so i bow my head and closed my eyes in a silent prayer of thanks to Him who has blessed me with so much.

and on a side note...

Wishing all of you and your families the Merriest of Christmas

quack, quack

i have just entered my 34th week of pregnancy today and i am suddenly feeling overly huge and heavy.  the baby is now taking it's toll on me as i am constantly feeling the aches and pains that mommyhood is bringing forth.  seriously, i do not mind the huge and heavy part.   what i do mind is the part where i am now, thanks to a dropping baby, waddling like a duck.

my apologies for those reading this who thinks that i am giving too much info but my lower groin feels like it's being stretched slowly.  my pelvic area is sore and everytime i get up to walk, i have this constant need to take both my hands and put it under my tummy to support a baby who feels like he's going to fall out anytime soon.

i am on a constant decline now.  i just hope i don't start making the "quack, quack" sounds as i walk the hallways here at work.

all over again

i have always been an avid blogger but found myself wavering after the novelty of starting a blog wears off.  i was a xanga alumni for three years when my loyalty faltered, curiosity took over and i switched to a different blog (which, i have to say, i am seriously dissappointed with).

nontheless, i am back and willing to give this a third (or is a fourth?) time and hopefully, this time around, i am able to pursue my love of writing without having any time constraints or the dash of laziness attack me.

so here i go again, starting anew.  wish me luck!

the lazy baby

another ultrasound was done yesterday at 9:45am to check on the progress baby shrimp has been making. normally, an ultrasound can take anywhere from 15-30 minutes to take the baby's measurements, check the heart rate and see the developments. ours took 45 minutes.

why, you ask? because i have one stubborn and lazy kid floating about me.

even after massive amounts of prodding, poking and shaking my tummy, baby shrimp would not move his hands in order for us to see certain portions of his growth and nor will he move his legs (spread eagle, please...) for us to confirm what we've always known. the tech tried coaxing him to "move please" and even though she tried shaking my tummy more than enough times, he still was cocooned in there probably snoring away.

WHAT A LAZY BABY. and i have to sadly admit, that he takes after his mommy too well.

the good news though? that as of yesterday, he weights 2 lbs and 15 oz. and an even better news? is that he definitely is a HE!!!

got 11 more weeks to go!

counting down

as of today, i am 26 weeks and 2 days pregnant leaving me with 96 more days until i meet the little shrimp.

in short, that's...

13 weeks and 6 days or;
2,304 hours or;
138,240 minutes or;
497,664,000 seconds

time just stood still all of a sudden.

update

it was quite the thanksgiving when the hubby finally felt baby shrimp's uber powerful kicks. we were lying in bed half asleep when i had him put his hand between my belly and the bed and there goes two kicks that had him yelping and opening his eyes in shock.

and when i say kick, i mean REALLY KICK. shrimp's been active since last saturday and it felt like he hasn't stopped since. but don't worry. i'm not complaining.

on the bright side, i was at the doctor's yesterday when she hooked me up on her ultrasound machine and there was shrimp opening and closing his mouth. what a sight to behold. i was so in awe of seeing him move his mouth... and to think he's only 24 weeks old!!! i really can't wait until he is out!

here's the pics from the doc yesterday... sorry it's not too bright but it's the only thing i have.

24 weeks old
october 14, 2008

better this, than none at all.

i have a certain love affair with a sultry, sexy dark fellow that piques my senses every chance i get to have him.

it has been months since i've tasted the likes of him... countless weeks since i've felt the overwhelming sensations of having him that thoughts of him constantly overtake me.

last weekend, the husband finally agreed that my love affair can continue on with his knowledge... better than having me tell lies to his face.

there was a condition though.

just one tiny bit of condition that i agreed with.

i have to take him Decaf.

mommy, i'm here!!!

hello my little love,

yesterday was quite a milestone for us, wasn't it? you just turned 21 weeks and four days and i was sitting in front of the tv when i started to feel the tugs and jerks in my tummy. i dismissed it, of course, thinking that mommy needed to make a bathroom run a little later but you were insistent and wanted mommy to know you're really in there.

so you kept at it. until i finally realized that those were no longer the air bubbles i used to feel but actual tugs and most probably kicks that you were throwing my way. and boy, can you kick. you were constantly moving in there for thirty minutes... yes, i timed you.

i told daddy you were kicking and him wanting to be a part of it, placed his hand on my tummy to try to feel you. but i think right now, this is just between you and me as he cannot feel your tiny movements as of yet.

and here i am, sitting at work trying to do my job and you seem wide awake again. i can feel the tug in there every few minutes or so and i can't seem to concentrate now after the ruckus you're causing in there.

i can't wait to see you, love. but you better stay there for as long as you can.

love,
mommy

the terror of it all

imagine walking into your physician's office and requesting to hear your baby's heartbeat.

she let's you lie down on the hard surface of the examining table, lifts your dress, covers your bottom half and proceeds to pour cold jelly on you.

then she spends the next five minutes poking your belly and all you hear coming out of this device is static.

after some panic moments, she lets you up and says "i think i heard the baby's heartbeat".

___________________________

like, SHIT.

can you get any more clearer than that?

luckily, my OB GYN was super nice and let me come in today to do a quick check.

baby shrimp is doing fine and well... floating about doing some acrobatics in there.

THANK GOD.

all pooped out

i never realized how exhausting baby shopping can be. we hit the road on saturday with the specific purpose of purchasing some new items for me due to my ever-growing belly. by the time we hit my all time favourite one stop shop, Ross, i suddenly found myself pawing through baby clothes, socks, hats, toys, towels and whatever else i could get my hands on!

a solid hour and a half was spent at the store purchasing some goodies for my little boy and when the bill came, kady had to seriously gasp because:

a.) i only spent $12 on myself
b.) i did not purchase any shoes
c.) he spent more money at the end of the day than i did!

i do have to say that the variety of baby clothes we purchased is enough to stock the baby up for a little while :)

on the other hand, today (sunday) came along and i woke up wanting to hit tulalip this time around. i asked kady if we could go and he figured that since this is the first time we've splurged on shopping for a LONG time, that he will definitely be taking me.

so off we go to the outlet stores where he made me promise to buy myself a little something... or more. least to say, nothing came out of hitting the stores as i never did purchase anything from there. we dropped by at walmart where i was able to pick up a few more baby clothes and finally, made a quick stop at another Ross location where i was finally able to pick up some shoes and a few dresses for me... plus more baby clothes!

i think i'm done shopping for the next few months as i never want to see another shop again.

elation

it was the most profound of feelings when the doctor last friday announced to kady and i that we are having a BABY BOY.

a girl would have been just as great a news... but both our prayers have been answered this time around and we were granted the boy that we both wanted as a first child.

along with the great news came the first time that we heard the baby's heartbeat. to hear it, to actually hear another human's heartbeat in me sent a wave of emotions that i myself cannot even describe. it still feels so surreal and yet i know that in four short months, i will be giving birth to a child who i am madly in love with now. what more when i see him?

*thank you Lord, for granting us with the greatest gift..*

gurgle gurgle

i'm sitting quietly in the car on the drive to work this morning when i felt my stomach grumble. it happens for a few seconds then stops. five minutes later, it happens again and stops. i think maybe i'm hungry but i already ate breakfast. i close my eyes to focus on the feeling which on cue, started up again.

is that you baby shrimp??? i'm sure this mommy doesn't need to pass gas as i am not feeling the urge.

the gurgling comes again and a little smile passes my lips. you must be awake in there then and moving about. or maybe my skirt is too tight that it's squeezing you??? i hope not. mommy promises to change at lunchtime today.

i lean back in my seat to get comfortable and the happy little gurgling in my tummy proceeds again... this time, a little longer. i know you're trying to get attention now and i place my hand on my lower tummy, where you were lying the last time and give a little rub and think 'i cannot wait to meet you, little one'.

the happy little gurgling continues, seemingly in reply to my thoughts...

our journey

it was an uphill fight when the hubby and i first decided that a baby would solidify our marriage into a real family. a year and a half of trying left us feeling lost and confused as to why, after all this time, there was no little seed taking root in my womb. it was the most trying of times when we finally decided to one day see a doctor to see if we can prepare ourselves for a variety of tests that would hopefully shed some light into our condition.

we were within our first year or marriage when the calling for a small bundle came. i envied the women with the swollen tummies filled with promises of tomorrow. i found myself strolling through every baby section at the shops while daydreaming of the things i will someday provide my child. yet here i am, feeling barren... void... empty, because no matter how hard we tried, the promises of a bouncing, smiley little baby was seemingly getting further and further away.

the doctor we saw suggested that we "really try" to get pregnant for a year before we undergo any processes & procedures. it gave us a bit of hope when he mentioned that no one is declared "infertile" unless everything natural that can be done to get pregnant has been tried. no, i didn't bother counting days (how could i when i was irregular?), no ovulation kits were bought and no temparature taking was done. i think throughout his talk, it still hasn't sunk into us that we really have to try.

do not get me wrong, as much as we both wanted to have a child, it was something that we both knew was going to happen if it was meant to be. if it wasn't, there was always other options for us and we knew it was not going to end our marriage nor would it be the end of the world. we trusted enough in the friendship and love we share to know that these kinds of trials and tribulations in a marriage is sometimes faced and that we would surpass it all.

towards the end of last year, the baby thoughts was becoming a distant memory. we had planned to give up with the trying and just get on with the living. yes, we still wanted a child, but it wouldn't help either of us if we focused energy and time on something that would come on his or her own time. our time together became a priority. family, friends, our dogs, our jobs... those took precedence in this routine we like to call our life. by the end of the year, both kady and i were in the midst of new positions that that the thought of having a baby then would only halt the progress we were both making in our careers.

2008 rolled in and the baby, by this time, was fast becoming a dull shadow in our lives. the craving for a child no longer left me with that void. there were other things to take care of, other things to do, and so many dreams were starting to form in our heads that did not include a stroller, a car seat and a portable crib.

towards the end of May, we headed to Las Vegas for a much-needed vacation. we went trotting in Sin City for 6 days of not-so-relaxing sight seeing of the famed strip. there was little time to rest, enjoy our time together and the 'romping' sessions was reduced to a one-time-thing as we tend to hit the bed for one main reason... sleep.

we came back from vacation feeling re-energized (supposedly) and ready to hit the work scene again. a few weeks later, i was on a constant whine & complaint session with a co-worker about how exhausted i was, about these stupid little cramps i seem to get, and about how i never got my period and it's been god knows how long. after almost 2.5 months of trying to convince me to take a pregnancy test short of dragging me to the drugstore herself to buy me a test, i finally had the gutts to pee on a stick.

and it turned positive. and i didn't believe it.

and i went to the doctor. and i still didn't believe it.

then i went to another doctor. and it finally hit me.

WE WERE GOING TO HAVE A BABY.

it was so surreal. the baby was no longer part of our plans... for the long term, yes. but not for the short term. we wanted to go on a few more vacations, pay off some of our debts, be able to afford a little security and now, greece and rome is out the window. a $700 car has been scratched off the list and we are down to saving the last penny we can in preparation for next year's bundle.

but no regret ever entered my head. it was absolute joy in the purest of forms that overtook me and had me tearing up when it finally fully sank in that we are going to be parents.

i believe that baby's come on their own time.... not according to your plans, to your will, to your wishes and to your demands. i also had to learn to accept what is to be and what isn't. above all, i learned that patience really is a virtue... one that is now fully embedded in me.

and with those things i learned came the greatest of rewards. because now, no matter which way i look at it, i am one of those women i used to envy... with swollen bellies filled with promises of tomorrow.

my tomorrow finally came.

on our 3 year anniversary

of all places to celebrate a milestone in our marriage, we spent it in a hospital room today seeing the progress that baby shrimp has been making in all these months i've had him or her slowly growing in me. it was quite a bonding experience for kady and i as well as a real eye opener to see that the little one has grown from this tiny little shrimp we saw at 10 weeks to a fully-formed baby... complete with a beautifully shaped head, two hands and two feet where we can see indents of it's actual fingers and toes, a cute little tummy and a little stub of a nose.

no gift can ever compare to this little one growing in me.

baby shrimp at 19 weeks and 1 day

thoughts running through me

it felt like yesterday when my head was counfounded with thoughts of you. i was engulfed in this need to feel what it is like to bear a baby and to later bask in the wonders of motherhood. it was only yesterday when i thought the pain would crush me at the thought of never having the chance of having you... knowing you... loving you. and yet, here i am today, along with an achy back and sore feet that i am experiencing the most profound of emotions.

not only am i a wife to my best friend.
but i am to be a mother to one who will love me unconditionally.

i know i will make mistakes. i know i will not be perfect. i know that i will constantly stumble and fall in this journey but somehow, i also know that the love i feel for you now will keep us afloat.

this is it. it's finally fully sinking in.

I AM REALLY HAVING YOU.

frustrations in pregnancy

seriously, how many more needles will be poking me until this baby is out of me???

I HATE NEEDLES!

i've been poked and prodded twice already... and there's a chance of one more!

grrrrrr.

"quickening"

Quickening
Baby’s first movements felt by the mom, usually between 18 and 22 weeks gestation. Sometimes described as “flutterings” or “butterflies.”

if this happens between the 18th to 22nd week of gestation, why is it that for the past 4 nights when i go to bed and lay partially on my tummy, i feel this happening???

kady says it might be gas... i seriously doubt it as i don't normally feel anything happening in my tummy unless i'm starving and it's growling.

*sigh* baby get big already! i want to feel your kicks (even if you keep me awake all night and jab me on the ribs).

on turning 25

prior to finding out about being pregnant, i was planning on a big 25th birthday bash for myself. i wanted lots of people, lots of food and better yet, lots of drinks. i wanted to welcome my big 2-5 with wide open arms and a party that i will never forget.

least to say, that is not what happened.

oh, don't get me wrong. i got myself the lots of people... in the few select friends i have learned to cherish. i also got myself lots of food in my most favorite spot of all. but due to the baby shrimp coming along, the drinking had to be stalled... but i do have to say that i was not as upset as i thought i would be when i couldn't have a sip of that seethroughgrassskirt i have been craving for in so many months.

towards the end of the night, with the oohing and aahing over the presents given to me, the hubby decided to surprise me with a tiffany necklace that i have been looking at, but never really asked for (i was really asking him for a new camera with the thoughts of this baby arriving next year). it was the most thoughtful thing he had ever given me in the past six years of our relationship considering that he never really puts much thought into what he will get me.

the necklace is beautiful, but incomparable to this gift that we have been blessed with. because no material thing will ever mean as much as this gift that i am carrying for the both of us.

happy birthday to me, then. after all that, this really is the most memorable birthday i will ever have.

baby view

Baby Shrimp
29-July-08
13 weeks old

rub-a-tum-tum

i find myself trying to stay away from malls these days. it seems that the site, sound, and just the overall feeling of being in one keeps me constantly annoyed and on my toes. i really don't understand it, nor does my husband. so last night, he decided to go for some quality time with himself while i snored a few hours of my exhaustion on our couch.

he arrived home at about 9:30 to tell me that he has bought a toy for baby shrimp (meaning an RC for himself) and then produced some goodies for me! my oh-so-thoughtful husband went to the Body Shop to pick up some body butter for my ever-expanding tummy!!! The papaya scent was just super delish while the japanese cherry blossom gave a total relaxing smell that made me want to hit bed right away.

after a quick shower, i headed straight to bed in my usual underwear and tank top and he asked me which scent i wanted to try first. i told him to use whichever one he wanted and he proceeded to rub the papaya butter on the tum-tum while baby talking to our little shrimp.

hhhmmmmmmmmmmmmm... can i say it was pure heaven?

now, not only do i get a good rubbin' at night, i get it in the morning too!

ahhh --- such are the wonderful perks of pregnancy.

the date is set

we finally have an exact delivery date for the little shrimp coming along.

FEBRUARY 2, 2009

that is exactly 7 months from today.

a letter from papa

reply back from my dad after he received the baby's first ultrasound pic ---

Ling & Kady,

It is so nice to learn that as early as this stage, all of you are developing raport with each other (mom, dad and child). This early bonding creates that unique and universal form of society basically known as the "Family". The tighter the relationship within each and every member, the more stable and harmonious your lives will be.

We are as much exited as you are for this small dots, err - little angel that we could see over this pic. The fun and adventure has just begun!

Take care and we love you always,

Papa, Mama & David

wave hello!

my first ultrasound appointment was moved from the 26th of july over to 9am this morning. i come to the clinic not really knowing what to expect when they asked me to lay down on the table and push my dress up.

so i lay there as this technician pushes this thing on my tummy and moves it around. after about five minutes of doing this, she calls in the hubby and moves the monitor to show us this tiny little thing moving inside me.

and there he was.... a little under 2 inches from crown to rump, you can see the little hands and legs moving about while a little flutter on the screen proves his beating little heart. then the little one raises an arm and you can see his hands waving hello... almost like he knew that his mommy and daddy were watching him.

i get teary-eyed knowing that there really is a special one growing in me.

say hello to baby shrimp!

10 weeks and 3 days old

a.k.a.

i keep forgetting to mention that my baby bee has been christened with a name that the hubby came up with weeks ago...

we now have a BABY SHRIMP

=)

grrrr

i get a call from the doctor's office today and it turns out that my referral to BC Women's has been thwarted due to the fact that i do not reside in Vancouver. i am now to go back to my doctor on monday to reassess the situation as i would prefer to be in the hospital that deals with babies and birth as a number 1 priority.

as in seriously. how annoying can this get?

on a brighter note, it's "hello baby" tomorrow!

can't wait!

enough already

i seriously thought that the days of my morning sickness is over until this morning when i happen to chuck out what i just had for breakfast.

*sigh*

i really hope this will go away soon.

what the glob?!?

i was at my physician's today for a quick run-down of my blood work from last week when she asked me the most unexpected question...

"so.... do you want to hear your baby's heartbeat?"

my mind went blank for a moment before i was able to reply with a hearty "yes".

she asked me to lie on those uncomfortable clinic beds while she grabbed the little ultrasound machine. as she prepped me for it, she said that we might not be able to hear the baby's heartbeat yet as they normally don't become load enough to hear until 14 weeks.

so she was yabbering on while i was trying hard to contain my excitement when all of a sudden, i feel cold liquid being spread all over my slightly bulging tum-tum.

EYUCK.
GROSS.
EEEWWWW.

seriously.

it felt like massive amounts of lube was being spread all over me. cold, disgusting lube that has spilled on my tummy.

unfortunately, the doctor was right and the baby's heartbeat was still a little too quiet for us to hear. (and no, i wasn't dissapointed about that... but i sure can't wait until next time when we try again!)

as i cleaned up the disgusting jelly on me, the doctor said "get used to all that glob... you're going to be getting lots of it on you for the next few months..."

GROOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSS.

the sweetest thing

after dinner last night, a much-needed quiet and relaxation time was what my body was needing. i plopped myself down on the sofa and turned on the tv to find something to feast my eyes on.

halfway through watching a sitcom rerun, the hubby comes out of our second bedroom, ipod in hand and loud music blearing through his earphones. i had to smirk when i realized that he was wearing nothing but his briefs, shaking his thang (and in the process, his tummy), to some tune he has going on his player.

he looks and smiles at me, comments how he loves his new earphones and proceeds to make me laugh with his maniacal dancing and his out-of-tune singing.

after a few minutes of doing this, and the fact that he was running out of breath, he sits on the floor by my tummy and says to me "here, let me sing to the baby". he lifts my shirt as i roll my eyes thinking he's probably going to be singing some little john rap. the next thing i know, he was belting his best rendition of "God Must Have Spent A Little More Time on You" as he followed the music and lyrics going through his ipod.

cheesy. i know.

but darn it, it was the sweetest thing he's ever done since we found out about the baby.

:(

and the morning sickness keeps coming...

... at midnight
... in the morning
... sometime mid-afternoon

i'm getting sick & tired of constantly having to kneel in front of the toilet seat.

*sigh* when will this ever end???

we're due WHEN?!?

when i first found out i was pregnant, my first thought was that i was due sometime mid-feb or early march. i was excited about the prospect of having a valentines baby and was hoping to actually give birth on said day.

yesterday, a visit to a new doctor gave me a tentative D.O.B. for the little bee coming along. i explained to her that recently, i have been irregular and though i know when the first day of my last period was, we couldn't really use that as a basis. she asked when my symptoms first showed to which the answer was the beggining of june. she did a quick count and said "well, that's about right. symptoms don't normally tend to show until about 4-6 weeks after conception so my best guess is that you did get pregnant in april! she did a quick math and exclaimed...

"YOU'RE DUE ON JANUARY 23RD!"

ohmigosh... ohmigosh... ohmigosh! i can't be due on January! i'm not ready for january!!!!!!!

breaking the news

when kady and i found out that a baby was on the way, we decided to wait until we were past our first trimester before we broke the news to our parents. not to be pessimistic about this pregnancy, but we just wanted to ensure that we were out of the "danger zone" before getting everyone excited at the thought of being grandparents, aunts, uncles, kuya's and so on....

least to say, that did not work.

in our excitement, we have shared the news to our family's last friday night as we visited them. now i guess, the ball got rolling and most of our extended family is aware that come sometime very early next year, the stork will be flying in to deliver a bouncing, healthy baby boy or girl on our doorstep.

on a side note to my little bee: hurry up and grow honey. everyone is getting impatient to meet you!

a first for everything

the hubby and i went to the mall to pick up a few items but ended up straying at the baby section at most stores we passed. i know, i know... it's quite early to do this type of shopping but who can resist the tiny little baby clothes screaming for you to buy them?!? i know i couldn't... this pregnancy has me completely... hook line and sinker!

so kady indulged me on this one. he let me have my very first baby shopping galore (on a budget) and of course, because we don't know the sex of the baby yet, we stuck to the neutral colours... yellows, creams and greens :)

here are the few things we picked up today!

a pregnant woman's lunch box

i have never been one to prepare lunch the night before. i usually wake up early enough to dig out the left-overs from the previous night, add some newly cooked rice, stuff it in a paper bag and call it lunch.

before i even realized i was pregnant, i would dismiss the 10am hunger pangs or down more coffee to put something in my system before the much-awaited 12:00 strikes. (side note to my baby bee: i'm sorry honey, mommy wasn't aware of you yet so i'll try to make-up for all the caffeine i've stuffed you with)

now that i'm pregnant, not only do i have to eat a little more often, but i have to be careful about what i eat as well. so for the very first time, tomorrow's lunch box has been prepped a good ten minutes ago.

exactly what is in it?

- 1 banana
- 2 oranges
- 2 slices of bread
- 1 small can of tuna (before you ask, it is allowed in small portions and i do need fish for protein)
- 16 small carrot sticks
- 1 small container of grapes
- 1 ham and cheese with lettuce wrap cut in half

that, my dearest friends, is my entire day's worth of sustenance. you probably think it's quite a bit but seriously, i get hungry at least six times from 8:30am to 5:00pm. my dinner, of course, is composed of more protein and a lot less carbs.

for the first time in my life, i really have to be aware of what i eat. i'm trying to stay away from the junk food (although i had twelve slices of yummy salt & vinegar chips) and trying to keep myself in line with the healthy stuff. but i swear i can always smell a fresh cup of coffee brewing in our office kitchen.

*sigh* this isn't forever. just for nine months..... just for nine months....

hi baby,

i don't know how old you are in there... all i know is that by now, you would be forming your heart, lungs, brain and all the rest of the vital organs you will need to be able to live a healthy life. it also says on all the materials i've been reading that if we go for an ultrasound now, we would be hearing your heartbeat right up against mine.

right now though, you're giving your mom a painful time. i'm always exhausted and wanting to take naps. and throughout the day, the feeling of wanting to throw up constantly overtakes me. i'm an emotional wreck... i catch myself smiling at the thought of you then later on, i catch myself tearing up because of you.

but don't worry, i have wanted you for so long and i can't wait until you start growing in me and i feel you kick up against my sides. i also can't wait for the day that daddy and i get to hold you in my arms.

right now, your dad thinks i'm "not-so-pregnant" yet. so you better hurry up and grow so that he can have physical proof that i do have a little life growing inside me. then maybe we can have him run for ice cream and bubble tea in the middle of the night, fight with him just because, and one day, it will hit him that he will have a mini-him and i will see the panic take over his face and when you are born, i will see total awe and love pour out of him.

ok, i'm crying again.

enough with this emotional roller coaster...

love,
mommy

oh no!

my state of excitement was totally tampered with by quite a few things when i realized that being pregnant is not-so-fun after all. for the past month, i have been experiencing symptoms of pregnancy but was not really able to pin-point exactly what i was feeling until yesterday of course, when it was confirmed that *baby bee* is on the way.

so exactly what was it that tampered with this high state of almost orgasmic pleasure at the thought of having a baby? here's my list:

1.) morning sickness --- lasting all throughout the day
2.) constipation --- seriously, need i say more?
3.) exhaustion
4.) wanting to take serious naps every couple of hours
5.) starvation. really, i just ate 40 minutees ago!

plus, let's not forget that i have to stay away from the following things:

1.) salmon
2.) tuna
3.) sushi
4.) caffeine
5.) pop
6.) junk food
7.) high heels!

can someone please get pregnant so you can sympathize with me and really mean it???

the life to be

i have taken a number of pregnancy tests over the years and all of them have always shown up as one blue negative line. due to the irregularity of my monthly little friend, i have come to accept that each one of those tests will turn out as negative each and every time until such a day comes that we really, truly and seriously decide that a little bundle of joy is what we want in our life.

so after two months without the annoying visitor knocking on my door, a girlfriend who has been bugging me to take the test finally dug in her words enough for me to purchase one.

it was 3:40 pm when i peed on that stick.

and exactly 40 seconds later, a negative line popped.... and there goes another line that crossed it.

WE ARE NOW PREGNANT.

i got the ball rolling and went to a drop-in clinic within the next 30 minutes just to double check... after all, those home tests are not 100% accurate. and yet again, it was pee in a cup. and the doctor confirmed that WE ARE DEFINITELY PREGNANT.

i drove back to work with tears in my eyes, knowing that a tiny little one is going to be relying on me for the next nine months to ensure that i take care of him... and imagine, having to be responsible for another life to ensure that he gets the best of everything....

i can't wait to be a mom.

and the clearblue test showed this..

+

and that, ladies and gents, is the beginning of it all!

the need to be

there's a need to be different.
a need to stand out.
a need to change outlooks.
a need for a new environment.
a need to turn things upside down.
a need to turn away from all that there is now.

but most of all, there's a need to go on vacation.

*sigh*

3 more weeks! if only i can hold out until then.

hick! to the e

so the whole family was gathered around the dinner table chit-chatting after dinner when my mom stood up to clear clear her dish. she was standing right across from my brother when *this* conversation started ---

mama: *gasps* david! is THAT a hickey?
david: *looks sheepish, grins, and suddenly smiles brightly*
kady & elaine: *looks at his neck with wide eyes*
mama: OMG! it IS a hickey! DAVID! papa, come here! look at david's hickey!
david: i guess there's no point hiding it anymore, i'll take my jacket off now.
papa: *comes over & looks*
david: this is really nothing compared to what i have given her
mama: ha! you should've seen the one your papa used to give me!
me: ewwww mom, we didn't want to know that!

... and so goes the conversation

x.s. now i wonder WHO the gf is?!?

...

i've been moody lately. much too moody.

and i feel that itch coming on again.

the one that says i need a change.... of environment, of attitude, of everything.

and what's worse is i can't confide in anyone because even i don't know what i want.

4 months to this exact date

just because i can be super lame about this whole thing, i decided to start a countdown for my upcoming vacation this year. i mean, come-on... when was the last time i went on vaca? that was October of 2006! so this vaca is LONG overdue.

so where are we goin this year?

SIN CITY.

i can't wait for the lights, the flair, the entertainment & the booze to keep me on my toes for six glorious days in the middle of the desert.

LAS VEGAS, here we come!!!!

so i say this

a beautiful and smart friend once said to me that to be strong does not necessarily mean that you have to stand on your own and hold your ground, but to be strong also means that you hold onto your beliefs and stay where you are and let life throw it's worse at you.

i believe her. because no matter what she thinks of herself, she IS strong. and whatever insecurities she has, i will be there to tell her otherwise.

so i say this now to her: you are beautiful, smart, wonderful and though you think you are not physically perfect, it is in those imperfections that we find the YOU who is standing in front of us, a loyal friend, a lending ear, and shoulder to cry on. and though you think less of yourself, i personally think the world of you, because it is in your vulnerability that i find your strength emerging, a quiet confidence that though you may not notice, we see based on your decisions and actions.

so walk with pride and with your chin up. no one will ever be able to hurt you with their words anymore. especially if you believe in yourself.

me likes...

i just happen to luck out at work and was able to snag two tickets to tonight's Michael Buble concert. i think it's safe to say that we all know him because of "Home" but that concert blew my mind. he was a charming crooner who knocked my socks off. i especially loved the fact that half the songs he sang were music i grew up with and was able to sing along to. i decided to take my mom to this event and she was in awe of his musical talent. if i say i heart Buble, times that by 10 and that's her.

at times like these, i miss the fact that i used to sing.