ER trip

my teeny mr. tsubs is in the hospital.

we rushed him friday at five pm when out of the blue

a sudden onset of chills occured

and i found myself carrying a very feverish 2.5 month old.

we were in the ER with talks of catheter urine test,

blood work and lumbar puncture.

i insisted they do everything else but the lumbar puncture.

the doctor insisted we do it to rule out meningitis.

i insisted again to see the results of both blood work and urine test

prior to doing a lumbar puncture.

thank goodness i did for all doctors agress he no longer needs an LP.

mr. tsubs, it turns out, is fighting a bacterial infection (UTI).

he gave doctors in the ER quite a scare last night

when all of a sudden, he started convulsing for twenty minutes non-stop.

it was concluded that he was not having seizures, but has rigor instead

as he was quite alert during that time.

it doesn't make it less scary but i was heartbroken to see the him 

in so much pain (and i've had chills before so i know how it feels!).

luckily, the baby boy is responding well to medication.

we have been admitted to the children's kidney ward

and he is monitored around the clock

while his antibiotics are kicking in and doing their job

in helping his system fight off the infection.

it's been almost 24 hours since his last fever

and he is faring much better as per countless nurses,

 four resident doctors, two med students, 

two ER doctors and pediatrician.

we are just waiting for both blood and urine culture test result

to pinpoint exactly which bacteria he is fighting off

to tailor the antibiotics to his exact needs.

but aside from that, mr. tsubs is much more comfortable now

and i've had no more breakdowns as of last night.

as a parent who has made numerous trips to the ER previously

and who has seen firsthand what febrile seizures are like

you would think it would be easier for me

to stomach needles, blood and tests.

or to see a child shaking and convulsing repeatedly

or crying until their little voices are coarse 

or screaming at the top of their lungs

while crocodile tears are falling on their tiny faces.

it is NEVER easy.

let me repeat that.  IT IS NEVER EASY.

especially when it is your own child you have to watch

for you are helpless and feel worthless

and though you want to take away their pain

no amount of cursing and crying will do it.

so last night and today and for the remainder of our time here

(and most definitely for eternity)

i will do the best that i can

by cuddling, consoling and kissing my little boys.

and telling them how much mommy loves them

and how i will never leave them

and how will hold their hand every step of the way.

and for each and every night as always do

i will ask our Father to keep them safe, keep them healthy,

and to always keep them on the right path.

and i will also ask him to listen to me, never leave me,

and to hold my hand in each trial i will have to overcome

as i need him... his love and guidance

to help me be strong and wise and grounded

for my baby loves.