Thursday, October 4, 2007

to my best friend...

i feel like i'm back in elementary school again... going between you and the boy you like... delivering messages to each other and feeling cool that i am helping bridge a gap between the two of you. except now, i'm no longer in high school and it feels more like i'm burning the bridge because i am delivering a message that brings tears to my eyes.

so before you go on and read this blog, especially YOU, who i know will be hurt by this whole spill, please keep in mind that i am doing this here because there is no way i can get a hold of you right now... and i need an outlet after the kind of conversation i just had.

i just hanged up the phone after an hour's conversation with the boy i once loved. yes, him... the one you are now getting yourself attached to. though you say you are not likely to fall for him, i also know that somehow, you have given him a piece of your vulnerable heart. he asked me what was wrong with you. he asked me why you are acting nonchalant, indifferent... and he also asked me why at times, he feels like you are the one running after him. i did not know what to say, luv. except the truth. to make him see what it was that he did wrong.

so i told him that he gave you hope only to take it all away in one swift motion. i told him that he owed you an explanation after so suddenly taking off from your life. i told him how wrong it was for him to lead you on when he was not ready to take this step.

then he explained it to me. that he feels at fault for his past. not with you, but with her. that he feels that he will hurt you more if he asked you to wait or to stay. that he wants to settle everything before finally making a move with his life. but most of all, that he is scared. because the mistake he committed last year was enough to make him second-guess himself. and you and i both know that with women throwing themselves to him left and right, that he will not run out of options... the only thing is, will he choose right?

he asked me what it is that he should do. i said i did not know. but i asked him to answer one questions for me, and though i feel foolish for asking, i did. i asked if he wanted to be with you... if there was some space in there for you. he begged me not to ask that. and when he finally relented with his answer, i felt a certain hesitation. because sure as he was, the idea of "other options" was also there.

though the decision is not up to me, i felt it only right to ask him to not contact you without giving me a chance to speak with you first. i want you to be the one to settle with a choice. i want you to be the one who will have a last say in the matter. and i want him to regret his line of thought.

but if i may say so... you and him, i always felt, had a right to be. you and him are the perfect fit. time is just not giving you the chance to collide. it's been two years and still, you and him are still going back and forth with each other. questionning... wondering... hesitating.

my heart is breaking and my tears are falling. for the boy i once loved is making the biggest mistake of his life. he is letting you go...

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