Friday, September 26, 2008

mommy, i'm here!!!

hello my little love,

yesterday was quite a milestone for us, wasn't it? you just turned 21 weeks and four days and i was sitting in front of the tv when i started to feel the tugs and jerks in my tummy. i dismissed it, of course, thinking that mommy needed to make a bathroom run a little later but you were insistent and wanted mommy to know you're really in there.

so you kept at it. until i finally realized that those were no longer the air bubbles i used to feel but actual tugs and most probably kicks that you were throwing my way. and boy, can you kick. you were constantly moving in there for thirty minutes... yes, i timed you.

i told daddy you were kicking and him wanting to be a part of it, placed his hand on my tummy to try to feel you. but i think right now, this is just between you and me as he cannot feel your tiny movements as of yet.

and here i am, sitting at work trying to do my job and you seem wide awake again. i can feel the tug in there every few minutes or so and i can't seem to concentrate now after the ruckus you're causing in there.

i can't wait to see you, love. but you better stay there for as long as you can.


Tuesday, September 23, 2008

the terror of it all

imagine walking into your physician's office and requesting to hear your baby's heartbeat.

she let's you lie down on the hard surface of the examining table, lifts your dress, covers your bottom half and proceeds to pour cold jelly on you.

then she spends the next five minutes poking your belly and all you hear coming out of this device is static.

after some panic moments, she lets you up and says "i think i heard the baby's heartbeat".


like, SHIT.

can you get any more clearer than that?

luckily, my OB GYN was super nice and let me come in today to do a quick check.

baby shrimp is doing fine and well... floating about doing some acrobatics in there.


Sunday, September 14, 2008

all pooped out

i never realized how exhausting baby shopping can be. we hit the road on saturday with the specific purpose of purchasing some new items for me due to my ever-growing belly. by the time we hit my all time favourite one stop shop, Ross, i suddenly found myself pawing through baby clothes, socks, hats, toys, towels and whatever else i could get my hands on!

a solid hour and a half was spent at the store purchasing some goodies for my little boy and when the bill came, kady had to seriously gasp because:

a.) i only spent $12 on myself
b.) i did not purchase any shoes
c.) he spent more money at the end of the day than i did!

i do have to say that the variety of baby clothes we purchased is enough to stock the baby up for a little while :)

on the other hand, today (sunday) came along and i woke up wanting to hit tulalip this time around. i asked kady if we could go and he figured that since this is the first time we've splurged on shopping for a LONG time, that he will definitely be taking me.

so off we go to the outlet stores where he made me promise to buy myself a little something... or more. least to say, nothing came out of hitting the stores as i never did purchase anything from there. we dropped by at walmart where i was able to pick up a few more baby clothes and finally, made a quick stop at another Ross location where i was finally able to pick up some shoes and a few dresses for me... plus more baby clothes!

i think i'm done shopping for the next few months as i never want to see another shop again.


it was the most profound of feelings when the doctor last friday announced to kady and i that we are having a BABY BOY.

a girl would have been just as great a news... but both our prayers have been answered this time around and we were granted the boy that we both wanted as a first child.

along with the great news came the first time that we heard the baby's heartbeat. to hear it, to actually hear another human's heartbeat in me sent a wave of emotions that i myself cannot even describe. it still feels so surreal and yet i know that in four short months, i will be giving birth to a child who i am madly in love with now. what more when i see him?

*thank you Lord, for granting us with the greatest gift..*

Friday, September 12, 2008

gurgle gurgle

i'm sitting quietly in the car on the drive to work this morning when i felt my stomach grumble. it happens for a few seconds then stops. five minutes later, it happens again and stops. i think maybe i'm hungry but i already ate breakfast. i close my eyes to focus on the feeling which on cue, started up again.

is that you baby shrimp??? i'm sure this mommy doesn't need to pass gas as i am not feeling the urge.

the gurgling comes again and a little smile passes my lips. you must be awake in there then and moving about. or maybe my skirt is too tight that it's squeezing you??? i hope not. mommy promises to change at lunchtime today.

i lean back in my seat to get comfortable and the happy little gurgling in my tummy proceeds again... this time, a little longer. i know you're trying to get attention now and i place my hand on my lower tummy, where you were lying the last time and give a little rub and think 'i cannot wait to meet you, little one'.

the happy little gurgling continues, seemingly in reply to my thoughts...

Thursday, September 11, 2008

our journey

it was an uphill fight when the hubby and i first decided that a baby would solidify our marriage into a real family. a year and a half of trying left us feeling lost and confused as to why, after all this time, there was no little seed taking root in my womb. it was the most trying of times when we finally decided to one day see a doctor to see if we can prepare ourselves for a variety of tests that would hopefully shed some light into our condition.

we were within our first year or marriage when the calling for a small bundle came. i envied the women with the swollen tummies filled with promises of tomorrow. i found myself strolling through every baby section at the shops while daydreaming of the things i will someday provide my child. yet here i am, feeling barren... void... empty, because no matter how hard we tried, the promises of a bouncing, smiley little baby was seemingly getting further and further away.

the doctor we saw suggested that we "really try" to get pregnant for a year before we undergo any processes & procedures. it gave us a bit of hope when he mentioned that no one is declared "infertile" unless everything natural that can be done to get pregnant has been tried. no, i didn't bother counting days (how could i when i was irregular?), no ovulation kits were bought and no temparature taking was done. i think throughout his talk, it still hasn't sunk into us that we really have to try.

do not get me wrong, as much as we both wanted to have a child, it was something that we both knew was going to happen if it was meant to be. if it wasn't, there was always other options for us and we knew it was not going to end our marriage nor would it be the end of the world. we trusted enough in the friendship and love we share to know that these kinds of trials and tribulations in a marriage is sometimes faced and that we would surpass it all.

towards the end of last year, the baby thoughts was becoming a distant memory. we had planned to give up with the trying and just get on with the living. yes, we still wanted a child, but it wouldn't help either of us if we focused energy and time on something that would come on his or her own time. our time together became a priority. family, friends, our dogs, our jobs... those took precedence in this routine we like to call our life. by the end of the year, both kady and i were in the midst of new positions that that the thought of having a baby then would only halt the progress we were both making in our careers.

2008 rolled in and the baby, by this time, was fast becoming a dull shadow in our lives. the craving for a child no longer left me with that void. there were other things to take care of, other things to do, and so many dreams were starting to form in our heads that did not include a stroller, a car seat and a portable crib.

towards the end of May, we headed to Las Vegas for a much-needed vacation. we went trotting in Sin City for 6 days of not-so-relaxing sight seeing of the famed strip. there was little time to rest, enjoy our time together and the 'romping' sessions was reduced to a one-time-thing as we tend to hit the bed for one main reason... sleep.

we came back from vacation feeling re-energized (supposedly) and ready to hit the work scene again. a few weeks later, i was on a constant whine & complaint session with a co-worker about how exhausted i was, about these stupid little cramps i seem to get, and about how i never got my period and it's been god knows how long. after almost 2.5 months of trying to convince me to take a pregnancy test short of dragging me to the drugstore herself to buy me a test, i finally had the gutts to pee on a stick.

and it turned positive. and i didn't believe it.

and i went to the doctor. and i still didn't believe it.

then i went to another doctor. and it finally hit me.


it was so surreal. the baby was no longer part of our plans... for the long term, yes. but not for the short term. we wanted to go on a few more vacations, pay off some of our debts, be able to afford a little security and now, greece and rome is out the window. a $700 car has been scratched off the list and we are down to saving the last penny we can in preparation for next year's bundle.

but no regret ever entered my head. it was absolute joy in the purest of forms that overtook me and had me tearing up when it finally fully sank in that we are going to be parents.

i believe that baby's come on their own time.... not according to your plans, to your will, to your wishes and to your demands. i also had to learn to accept what is to be and what isn't. above all, i learned that patience really is a virtue... one that is now fully embedded in me.

and with those things i learned came the greatest of rewards. because now, no matter which way i look at it, i am one of those women i used to envy... with swollen bellies filled with promises of tomorrow.

my tomorrow finally came.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

on our 3 year anniversary

of all places to celebrate a milestone in our marriage, we spent it in a hospital room today seeing the progress that baby shrimp has been making in all these months i've had him or her slowly growing in me. it was quite a bonding experience for kady and i as well as a real eye opener to see that the little one has grown from this tiny little shrimp we saw at 10 weeks to a fully-formed baby... complete with a beautifully shaped head, two hands and two feet where we can see indents of it's actual fingers and toes, a cute little tummy and a little stub of a nose.

no gift can ever compare to this little one growing in me.

baby shrimp at 19 weeks and 1 day

Friday, September 5, 2008

thoughts running through me

it felt like yesterday when my head was counfounded with thoughts of you. i was engulfed in this need to feel what it is like to bear a baby and to later bask in the wonders of motherhood. it was only yesterday when i thought the pain would crush me at the thought of never having the chance of having you... knowing you... loving you.
and yet, here i am today, along with an achy back and sore feet that i am experiencing the most profound of emotions.

not only am i a wife to my best friend.
but i am to be a mother to one who will love me unconditionally.

i know i will make mistakes. i know i will not be perfect. i know that i will constantly stumble and fall in this journey but somehow, i also know that the love i feel for you now will keep us afloat.

this is it. it's finally fully sinking in.