Thursday, September 11, 2008

our journey

it was an uphill fight when the hubby and i first decided that a baby would solidify our marriage into a real family. a year and a half of trying left us feeling lost and confused as to why, after all this time, there was no little seed taking root in my womb. it was the most trying of times when we finally decided to one day see a doctor to see if we can prepare ourselves for a variety of tests that would hopefully shed some light into our condition.

we were within our first year or marriage when the calling for a small bundle came. i envied the women with the swollen tummies filled with promises of tomorrow. i found myself strolling through every baby section at the shops while daydreaming of the things i will someday provide my child. yet here i am, feeling barren... void... empty, because no matter how hard we tried, the promises of a bouncing, smiley little baby was seemingly getting further and further away.

the doctor we saw suggested that we "really try" to get pregnant for a year before we undergo any processes & procedures. it gave us a bit of hope when he mentioned that no one is declared "infertile" unless everything natural that can be done to get pregnant has been tried. no, i didn't bother counting days (how could i when i was irregular?), no ovulation kits were bought and no temparature taking was done. i think throughout his talk, it still hasn't sunk into us that we really have to try.

do not get me wrong, as much as we both wanted to have a child, it was something that we both knew was going to happen if it was meant to be. if it wasn't, there was always other options for us and we knew it was not going to end our marriage nor would it be the end of the world. we trusted enough in the friendship and love we share to know that these kinds of trials and tribulations in a marriage is sometimes faced and that we would surpass it all.

towards the end of last year, the baby thoughts was becoming a distant memory. we had planned to give up with the trying and just get on with the living. yes, we still wanted a child, but it wouldn't help either of us if we focused energy and time on something that would come on his or her own time. our time together became a priority. family, friends, our dogs, our jobs... those took precedence in this routine we like to call our life. by the end of the year, both kady and i were in the midst of new positions that that the thought of having a baby then would only halt the progress we were both making in our careers.

2008 rolled in and the baby, by this time, was fast becoming a dull shadow in our lives. the craving for a child no longer left me with that void. there were other things to take care of, other things to do, and so many dreams were starting to form in our heads that did not include a stroller, a car seat and a portable crib.

towards the end of May, we headed to Las Vegas for a much-needed vacation. we went trotting in Sin City for 6 days of not-so-relaxing sight seeing of the famed strip. there was little time to rest, enjoy our time together and the 'romping' sessions was reduced to a one-time-thing as we tend to hit the bed for one main reason... sleep.

we came back from vacation feeling re-energized (supposedly) and ready to hit the work scene again. a few weeks later, i was on a constant whine & complaint session with a co-worker about how exhausted i was, about these stupid little cramps i seem to get, and about how i never got my period and it's been god knows how long. after almost 2.5 months of trying to convince me to take a pregnancy test short of dragging me to the drugstore herself to buy me a test, i finally had the gutts to pee on a stick.

and it turned positive. and i didn't believe it.

and i went to the doctor. and i still didn't believe it.

then i went to another doctor. and it finally hit me.


it was so surreal. the baby was no longer part of our plans... for the long term, yes. but not for the short term. we wanted to go on a few more vacations, pay off some of our debts, be able to afford a little security and now, greece and rome is out the window. a $700 car has been scratched off the list and we are down to saving the last penny we can in preparation for next year's bundle.

but no regret ever entered my head. it was absolute joy in the purest of forms that overtook me and had me tearing up when it finally fully sank in that we are going to be parents.

i believe that baby's come on their own time.... not according to your plans, to your will, to your wishes and to your demands. i also had to learn to accept what is to be and what isn't. above all, i learned that patience really is a virtue... one that is now fully embedded in me.

and with those things i learned came the greatest of rewards. because now, no matter which way i look at it, i am one of those women i used to envy... with swollen bellies filled with promises of tomorrow.

my tomorrow finally came.

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